[Short Story/Character Background] Broke-The-Wheel

[Ratoslov]

This story is a character background for a Exalted character; as such, I'm attempting a epic/mythological feel to it. As such, I would like constructive criticsm.

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In the southwest, there was a people. They were not a rich people, nor were they a beautiful people, nor a smart people. But they were renouned for their strength, their stature, and their good nature. They were called the Hush. It was a common pastime, amongst outsiders, to mock a Hushman and try to raise their ire; sometimes it worked, but more often than not, the youth merely walked away disgusted with themselves.

There was a Hushman named Po. When he was two summers, someone set off a firecracker next to him, and he did not cry. When he was four summers, a cruel older child held his arm in the fire; he did not cry out, and the fire did not burn him. When he was six summers, his sister was lost in the desert; he found her, and killed a jackal to save her. When he was eight summers, he lifted his father's anvil off the floor. When he was ten summers, he lifted it over his head. When he was twelve summers, he broke it in one blow, accidentially.

Despite his strength, he was the most gentle of souls. Even the town jester, who could bring a stone statue to tears with rage, was unable to even get the mildest reaction from him.

When he was fourteen, war came. One day, men were farmers, bankers, smiths. The next, soldiers. The next, the living were slaves and the dead were mourned. The slaves were sold to slavers; and Po made his way, finally, to a quarry held by Mnemmon Taebi, a Immaculate Monk in exile for his excess. He drank greatly, he orgied and he murdrerd... and he sold granite.

Mistaken for a grown man because of his size, Po was put to work as the blacksmith for the quarry.

There was another slave; her name was Aco, and she was twelve. Aco was the watergirl. She was a lantern in this dark time in Po's life. She spoke little flametounge, and he little realm, so they taught one another. Time passed this way for five years.

One day in Resplendant Fire, Taebi inspected his quarry. It was hot as the furnace of the seven hells; men were fainting at their stations, and Aco was nearing exhaustion herself.

Tabi was inspecting Po's forge, and he was about to have him whipped for not keeping the forge spotlessly clean, as he did every year. He did this not out of any fault of Po's work- it was better than any freeman smith he had seen- or even because he disliked Po. It was because he was of the opinion that punishing slaves was good for their souls, and every slave should be punished at least once a month, whether they liked it or not.

Po didn't particularly care about these 'torture' sessions, aside from how they interfered with his work schedule.

It was then that Po requested that Aco bring him ladle of wellwater.

When she returned, a misplaced stone caused her to trip and spill the water all over Taebi's robes. He cried out in disgust and anger, and grabbed her arm.

"Guards. Take this one away... to the wheel. Spin her until she is dea-"

It took ten men to pull Po away from the dynast's throat.

That night, he sat in chains in the Dynast's basement, awaiting the punishment he knew he would recieve.

But for some reason, he could see the sun from his jail cell. And he smiled at what it said to him.

The next morning, Taebi had him marched out at spear-point to the courtyard. Aco's lifeless body hung from the water-wheel, half-drowned, maggots crawled on her eyes and the sweet smell of putrecence hung in the air.

The water-wheel was a ingenious invention, a improvement upon the standard wheel of punishement used in the Realm. A wheel of punishment is a great iron wheel, on which a slave is strapped so that their back is arched in a painful manner. A water-wheel, however, adds the innovation of having the bottom-half of the wheel be underwater, causing them the discomfort of drowning in addition. It was a horrible, painful way to die.

Yet Po still had the same, serene smile on his face.

Taebi made him stand before him. "For your crimes, Po the Blacksmith, I shall sentance you, too, to death on the water-wheel."

Yet Po smiled.

Taebi cleared his throat. "Condmened blacksmith Po, have you any last words before you meet your final end?"

Po smiled, and said: "Not yet."

"Then we shall see who will break first, you or the wheel." Taebi said.

They unlashed Aco's body from the wheel, and burned it before his eyes. But he shed no tears. They lashed him to the wheel, which was turned by two oxen. They whipped the oxen, a great ker-lash.

And the wheel began to spin.

One hour. Two hours. Three hours. Four hours.

They had to change the oxen every four hours. It took them ten minutes to do so; by Taebi's orders, his head was to be underwater during this change.

Four hours. Eight hours. Twelve hours.

And he strained against his bonds steadily.

A day. Two days. Four days.

Eight days later, with a painful scream...

He broke the wheel in half.

And he shook off his bonds.

And he stood up straight.

And a mountain a thousand feet high made of golden fire blazed around him.

And he walked off towards Menmnon Taebi's manse.

Just. Like. That.

No man lifted a finger to stop him.

Taebi could not run. He found himself rooted to the floor, and all his training failed him when he tried to bring it to his command. Po, ablaze with righteousness, walked straight up to him. Taebi knew he was going to die.

And Po slowly, like a glacier making it's way down a mountain, leaned over. And as faint as a desert breeze, he whispered.

It is not recorded what, exactly, he said.

Taebi collapsed to the ground, bawling like a child.

And Po left the grounds, and walked off into the desert.

To this very day, there is no monk more scrupuolously virtuous and more heretically opposed to slavery than Mnemnon Taebi. He is the scourge of the Cynis family; they have placed a great price on his head, for his repeated raids on their slave farms

And what of Po?

He took a new name: Broke-The-Wheel.

And greater things awaited him.

[ANaughtyMoose]

I think it would have sounded better if he took Aco off the wheel and carried her off or at least buried her or burned her and the wheel in honor. Plus it seems wierd he is in the cell at night and sees the sun talking to him. Just does not seem right on that.
Other than that its a good start.