[KAMB3E] Bumpkinville

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Wed Jun 04, 2003 7:08 pm

Struggling out of the warren with your new gear and Torg's (ALL HAIL KING TORG! KING OF ALL KOBOLDS!!) greasy blessing, you blink your beady black eyes at the sun. In a moment, you can see some woods to the west, and a small shack to the north. You can also hear the sound of running water north and west. To the east and south are the badlands that mark the beginning of Wild Country, a place where loads of Kobolds are most likely horribly devoured.

The King awaits his babies and you all know what happens when young kobolds don't deliver.

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Thu Jun 05, 2003 2:47 pm

King Torg ALL HAIL KING TORG! KING OF ALL KOBOLDS!! will not be pleased with only baby. His feast also requires... side dishes! For tomorrow, he wants Congealed Salad of Silver, and Stuffed Cabbage Heads. Thankfully, the Short Order Union of Cooks provided the recipies and the methods for those brave stunties who are going out today.

Recipes –

[align=center]Congealed Salad of Silver – Difficulty 2, 4VP[/align]
Ingredients: Silver (one bar or ten coins), Two Cow Hooves and four cow bones (or just a mostly whole carcass), Wussy White Wine (a hefty jug will suffice), Juicy Fruity Bits (Or just plain Berries)
Method: Scrape and boil the cow parts until you get goo. Hack at the juicy fruity bits until they’re wee itsy bitsy. Smash the silver into nutty pieces. Throw the bits and pieces into the goo, and then set to congeal over an ice-cold underground stream. Serves 12 with small pieces.

[align=center]Stuffed Cabbage Heads – Difficulty 1, 3VP[/align]
Ingredients: One cabbage, One Human head, Some Spices, root vegetables.
Method: Hack then burn the root vegetables until squishy. Dispose of Scalp – too chewy. Open skull, and remove all goodies from the head. Mix with spices. Gut the cabbage, leaving just enough cabbage to fit the skull. Layer squishy roots, shredded cabbage and spicy brains. Replace top of skull, cover with large cabbage leaf. Steam until face is tender. Serves 16 as a George dish.

FlameBlade · Post by **FlameBlade** » Thu Jun 05, 2003 10:36 pm

Slark gives a final hail to King Torg ALL HAIL KING TORG! KING OF ALL KOBOLDS! before slarking off to the site.

"Yes, Slark be good. Slark does what he wants to do."

Slark pokes his head out of the hole, and looks around, looking for any possible traces...or should I say...smell of babies! Yes...smell of babies, that is what I am looking for! Slark's head is suddenly filled with thoughts of...delicious baby....how it will be a feast...Yes...delicious...and tendery...just like chicken...but...much better...Yes...must get me a baby!

Eliahad · Post by **Eliahad** » Thu Jun 05, 2003 11:15 pm

Snotspeare breathed deeply the smell of the air and immediately coughed. There was nothing he liked about the pure goodness of the open sky and the bright heat orb that beat down upon him, and frankly, he wasn't entirely certain he liked this new venue. After all, shacks are supposed to be houses and houses are supposed to have mailboxes. Where was the mailbox? he wondered as he wandered a bit, trying to get his bearings. Mailboxes are good for many things, like temporary baby stuffing hidey holes, and more...lewd practices, sometimes...sometimes, mailboxes have pictures of hairless humies with very large...Still, King Torg, All Hail King Torg! King of all Kobolds! must know what he was doing, after all you don't get to be King Torg All hail King Torg! King of all Kobolds! without being marginally vicious. Okay so it has nothing to do with choice of venue but that's never stopped his lowness before. (Wise and most rank of all emporers. Yes, you read correctly, emporers)

The water seemed most attractive to Snotspeare on this hot, hot day, and he reasoned that Babies may be nearby to get out of the heat cast by that nasty, nasty glowy thingy. So off he slunk.

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Fri Jun 06, 2003 4:17 am

Snotspeare heads off North as Slark sniffs about. Slark tries mightily, but Snotspeare easily outdistances him. In a minute or two, they hear the distinctive wail of an upset baby over the burble of a swift stream. The kobolds eyes bug out as they see a picnic basket full of baby, stuck in the reeds on the far side of the stream.

It's crying quite loudly and in an upset manner as the water laps at its woven rush basket. The stream is a good five kobolds across, still not outside the range of a powerful jump or a quick dunk and swim.

As they think, a gust of breeze draws the unmistakable scent of sweaty man, which sets something to a rumbling down deep in Snotspeare's nethers.

Slark, unencumbered with 'urges' can just make a out a small shack north of the stream.

FlameBlade · Post by **FlameBlade** » Sat Jun 07, 2003 3:07 pm

Slark touches water, then recoils thanks to Kobolnese Water Torture that he was subjected to in the past... (Only that the water was sulfuric acid accidently spilled on Slark while Slark was cooking, but close enough for Slark.) and looks around quickly for anything that he can go across the stream and...grab...that...deliclushy baby....There is no good way...so...Slark decides to be...oh, so athletic, and makes a running start and goes for a mighty leap...across the horrors of horrors for that treasured...food.(aka water)

Eliahad · Post by **Eliahad** » Sun Jun 08, 2003 8:04 pm

Snotspeare sniffs the air, drinking in the sweet musky scent of sweat on a hot day. That very scent that causes his kolboldy loins to perk up and take notice, those very...

"Lo! Whither be this scent that cause my quill to quiver?" Snotspeare stands up as straight as he can while...impeded in this fashion and scans the horizon for...well...a way to release himself from his fetters, "I must find it, I must know what rankness could cause me to be in such a tizzy yes, that I must." He scampers off to...aw screw it...get his rocks off.

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Mon Jun 09, 2003 12:04 am

Slark's mighty leap carries him most of the way across the quick-moving stream. Gravity deposits him face-first in a muckpile that quickly sucks him in to his neck. After a moment of swearing and wrassling, he manages to clamber onto the far shore of the stream and confronts the sweet, tasty, crying baby in its basket in the reeds.

(You've picked up your second Horrible Death Check for failing your ATHLETE Roll)

Snotspeare's "urges" carry him West, and while his psychic chum berates him for disobeying King Torque ALL HAIL KING TORQUE! KING OF ALL KOBOLDS!, he spies a manly Farmer who has stopped to mop his brow. The towering hunk of manflesh has the most beautiful, comely knees in all the Würlde. Snotspeare is overcome by his baser instincts and runs headlong to wrap one of those knees in a loving embrace with all his might.

"Bob! Bobbidy Bob bob bob? Bob Bob!" responds farmer manly as the Kobold humps the living crap out of his right knee.

Beady · Post by **Beady** » Mon Jun 09, 2003 7:24 pm

"Why they kick Thunk out? Godda werk now."

Thunk looks north and sees Slark with a crying baby. He looks west and sees Snotspeare humping the knee of a large man.

"Icky. Hope you got protection..."

Thunk decides to head west since it appears that Slark has the baby under control.

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Mon Jun 09, 2003 7:34 pm

Thunk, as you scrambled through the underbrush, you hear distinct humming of someone's peeing song. Intrigued, you move closer to see a man in a purple doublet and patched green hose. He's happily urinating on a tree stump in this small copse and is completely unaware of the coming Kobold incursion.

"Bob, bob bobobob bob ob bob," he hums, continuing to soak the stump in particularly pungent urine.

Beady · Post by **Beady** » Mon Jun 09, 2003 9:00 pm

Thunk, being the type of kobold that needs to drop his pants to count to 5, sneaks up to the pissing man and pokes him in the leg with his finger and asks, "Why you making water on tree?" The man (assuming he even hears it) hears it as "Bark barkity bark bark ruff growl?"

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Mon Jun 09, 2003 9:12 pm

"Bob! Bobob! BO Bob!"

The man in the loud clothing splashes a large swath with urine, including Thunk, and dashes north, barely missing dashing his head wide open on a thick oak bole. The expression of total fear and terror was perfect on his face before he ran off to the north. You hear some gargling and thrashing to the north. To the west, you can smell dust and oiled metal.

Beady · Post by **Beady** » Mon Jun 09, 2003 10:05 pm

Thunk licked a part of his arm where the man's urine landed and grinned a toothy smile.

"Man make good drink! ALL HAIL KING TORG! KING OF ALL KOBOLDS!! King Torg might like."

Thunk points north and says, "Thunk go west." He begins chasing after the loudly dressed man while barking total nonsense...even for a kobold.

Ghotty · Post by **Ghotty** » Tue Jun 10, 2003 12:00 am

"Slark! My Baby! Me biggier! ME wan!"

Since Slark apparntly is across a rive, that Wartspittle isn't willing to cross, Wartspittle hefts his dagger(It's a knife.) and Swaggers to the south, sniffing excitedly, all the while singing a kobold Warbasher song. This, of course, sounds like two dogs humping. And it probably will attract critters. Critters that wartspittle will BURN! BURN BURN BURN! Says the leprechaun, before Wartspittle ate him.

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Tue Jun 10, 2003 3:12 pm

Thunk chases after the strange man, and sees Snotspeare grinning his fool head off as he humps the crap out of the knee belonging to a heavily perspiring Farmer. The farmer has a baffled look on his face and has yet to reach for his scythe to dispatch the fuzzy ball of knee love.

Snotspeare, now that you've had your way with his knee, you feel the urges happily rising to a climax and... abating. The farmer looks peevish that you've stained his cheap, patched pants, and looks to be reaching for a large and heavy weapon.

Thunk you easily move past the scene and see the strange man has fallen into a swift moving stream. He's not faring well, what with the amount of booze still coursing through his bloodstream. You also see two heavily armed and armored Adventurers, who seem to be stalking toward a cave set in a bend in the stream.

Wart - If you headed north and then south, that puts you at the entrance to the Kobold Caves. Which, since you have no baby, garners you a HORRIBLE DEATH CHECK, and a hairy eyeball from King Torg ALL HAIL KING TORG! KING OF ALL KOBOLDS!!

Slark, you manage to scramble to the other side of the stream and are now looking down at the scrumptious little bag of flesh and bones crying in its rapidly moistening basket.

Ghotty · Post by **Ghotty** » Tue Jun 10, 2003 3:23 pm

"Ok! Ok! Wartspittle go bash somewherese else King Torg(ALL HAIL KING TORG! KING OF ALL KOBOLDS!). "

Wartspittle trots to the north, and the shack. And sniffing for little horrible critters to make fire out of. Burn baby Burn! And poking around the shack, Wart looks for a way into the shack.

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Tue Jun 10, 2003 3:37 pm

Wartspittle, with an amazing show of physical prowess, leapt the stream in a mighty bound. He traveled on, past Slark and the baby to see a small shed. All about were the remains of pecked out grain hulls and the shredded remains of some straw. A thrill of excitement traveled up Wartspittle's spine as he realized he was near a chicken coop.

And, from within the shack, he could hear the 'bwa wa waak' of at least several chickens. However, the door was not on his side of the shack. He would have to move around to the other side to see how many of the beasts lurked within.

Ghotty · Post by **Ghotty** » Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:58 pm

Wartspittle grins lopsided as thoughts of burning chikididichiks float through his head, and so he begins to sneak around the shed, with big, exageratted steps. Of course, leaves and twigs snap and crack underfoot, but he thinks he's REAL quiet like. Sniffie-d-sniff-sniff, I smell chikin!

"Here chikiechikihikichikiedoooo....here.....BURN! BURNIEDBURN! Chickin...chickichikici! Hehehehe!"

Wartspittle cant help but start salivating at the thought of burnie chikichiki, and so he looks around the corner with exageratted care, before dashing into the shed!

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Tue Jun 10, 2003 5:26 pm

((Okay, you earn one Victory Point for being a very good little Kobold))

All six of the horrific chickens look at you with quiescent "bwak? Bwawak?" They do not attack you because you're an Animal Chum. However, you do see the power in their kobold-shredding claws, the strength of their beaks that can punch right through the best of Kobold armor.

They are not attacking, but merely curious at this point, and they do you have you practically surrounded here in the coop.

Ghotty · Post by **Ghotty** » Tue Jun 10, 2003 5:42 pm

"chikichikichikichik....chickichikichikaBURNBURNBURN! BURNDECHIKI!BURRRRRNNIT!"

Wart spittle starts looking for something to set a chiki on fire with. Like a rock. Or something.

"chickchikichikidoo gonna burnburnburn! Chikiburn!chikiburn!"

Wartspittle licks his jowls hungrely, as he looks for something to burn the chikichikies with. If he doesn't find it, wartspittle is gonna pounce on the first chikichiki!

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Tue Jun 10, 2003 5:54 pm

Finding no means of ignition, you fall back to basics...

Your knife slashes one of the chickens across the giblets and it's badly hurt. It cries out in alarm and fear and then the entire Coop assaults you viciously. Your Metallorka shirt is shredded by their powerful beaks, depriving you of all armor HITS. And all six chickens have every intention of feasting on Kobold this afternoon!

"Bwa-Kawk!" "wakakawaaa"

Beady · Post by **Beady** » Tue Jun 10, 2003 7:56 pm

(( Shoulda known following the pissing man was a bad idea.

))

Man in water, or 2 in cave? (( obviously never heard of 'one in the hand is better than 2 in the bush' )) Into cave! Maybe they know where find baby...

Thunk heads into the cave after the adventurers. He examins them as he follows, looking for any shinys to 'borrow'.

Ghotty · Post by **Ghotty** » Wed Jun 11, 2003 6:52 pm

Wartspitle ducks a beak, oh so frightening a beak! Kobold not yummy-like chikin! Kobold et chickichikchiki! Nooooo! Wartspittle runs away fro mthe evil evil chikis.

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Wed Jun 11, 2003 8:01 pm

Wartspittle, barking your damn fool head off, you do manage to slaughter the first chicken you attacked. Blood runs everywhere from its spurting neck-stump. However, you take another 3 HITS of damage as you escape the domesticated clutches of the furious chickens of the Coop of Doom. After clucking furiously at you as you clambered up a nearby tree, and attempting to break thousands of years of breeding to fly their way up to you, they leave you to your vertical fate and waddle back into the small shack.

From your vantage point, you can see a tall female human pushing what can only be a basket full of tasty baby. It's only a little bit north of your current location.

((You've earned 2 VP for slaughtering the chicken, and one KHDC for running like a spawnling from chickens. You feel Horrible Death lurking near you...))

* * * * * *

Thunk, as the adventurers head in, you hear the sound of a titanic steam kettle as one of them spears a meaty looking length of tail with his weapon. You see a pair of vaporous blue eyes staring intently at you and the two humans "Bob" excitedly at one another. One ducks behind his shield, the other grabs a holy symbol and jabbers something to the profane Blue God.

Quite suddenly, you are awash in superheated vapor as a STEAM DRAGON unleashes its scalding hot breath on the three of you. You take 10 HITS of damage, which almost completely destroys your shield. The human with the shield looks to be in the same state as you, while the muttering one is miraculously unharmed. The humans charge headlong, beating almost futilely at the STEAM DRAGON with their weapons.

Beady · Post by **Beady** » Wed Jun 11, 2003 8:33 pm

(( I think I'm the one who feels horrible death coming.

Hmm...two adventurers and an insane kobold against a dragon...dead kobold meat. Two adventurers against a dragon and a kobold...dead kobold meat. Retreat...horible death check. SHIT! Might as well have a little fun before the little bugger gets killed.

))

*Thunk looks at his shield and wonders 1) why it's so hot and 2) what comes after 1? He looks up and sees the two adventurers beating on the dragon and points.*

Dragon! Maybe dragon know where tasty babys is.

*Thunk proceeds to attack the adventurer who's shield was nearly destroyed.*

(( No one ever said Thunk was smart... ))

Ghotty · Post by **Ghotty** » Wed Jun 11, 2003 8:39 pm

Wartspittle creeps down the tree trunk now, licking his chops as he tries to creep in exagerated steps after the the tall female human. Wartspittle kreeps north.

FlameBlade · Post by **FlameBlade** » Thu Jun 12, 2003 3:05 pm

Slark looks at the baby...and drools profusely.

Oh yes...baby is there...Yes....

Now...to get back across stream...to that hole...

Jump no work. Got myself wet. Nearly pissed myself again. Hate water. Ah yes! I remember story of KoboMoses! Lemme see...He parted the Big Red Sea with Vor's help to escape from humies with five babies! He is legend himself! He earned 60 victory points for babies, and 60 more for using sea to kill humies! Maybe I can raise my arms and split the waters so I can carry baby across! Yes!

Then suddenly RED spark of realization comes to him, Slark checks the basket for bouyancy...

((How big the basket is, and will Slark fit in the basket? Slark is planning to paddle across the stream in the basket with baby.))

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Sat Jun 14, 2003 2:30 pm

Thunk - you, in good koboldy tradition, run headlong at the back side of the now luridly cursing Adventurer with the shield. With his attention diverted, your sword slashes through the remainder of his shield, and it crashes to the cave floor. You grin widely, but then see the STEAM DRAGON rushing forward to put the fang to the muttering Adventurer. There's a sickening crunch sound as the STEAM DRAGON catches the Adventurer around the waist and bites down for a total of 10 HITS to him, destroying his chain mail completely.

Not totally out of the running yet, the quickly expiring one wields his big metal club, now glowing with Fünkengrüven power, directly into the STEAM DRAGON'S right eye. The club comes down and does 6 HITS of damage. He screams "Bob! Bobobob! BAAAHHHB!" at his companion.

The sword-swinger seems to be at an impasse, but thanks to years of training, he knows what to do. He takes an easy pot-shot at the irritating furbag, rending Thunk's shield in twain and doing one HIT of damage and then charges the STEAM DRAGON headlong and raking it across its broad forequarters for another 3 HITS of damage.

* * * * * * *

Snotspeare, you narrowly avoid the murderous swipe of a scythe as Farmer Manly attempts to part you from your head. Your Psychic Chum is blathering at you to run your fuzzy feet off in any direction.

* * * * * * *

Wartspittle, you attempt to sneak up on the pram-pusher, but it does you little to no good as you totally lack the SNEAK skill. Instead, she turns toward you and threatens you with a handbag that looks to be filled with turnips, or bricks. You can never be too sure when it comes to handbags.

* * * * * * *

Slark, you do indeed manage to paddle your small craft across the stream. Amazed with your own prowess, you bark jubilantly, and now stand on the south shore. You were sure you'd kill that baby with some negligence, but it seems to be more resilient than most babies. It's gurgling at you from the basket, the ride seems to have improved its mood.

FlameBlade · Post by **FlameBlade** » Sat Jun 14, 2003 3:35 pm

Slark drops dagger, because spices are way too valuable...especially when it comes to cooking! Then he grabs the baby and romps to the kobold hole with...BABY!

AH YES, FRESH, DELICIOUS BABY! KING TORG (ALL HAIL KING TORG, KING OF ALL KOBOLDS!) WILL BE HAPPY!

Beady · Post by **Beady** » Sat Jun 14, 2003 5:56 pm

*Thunk looks down at the remains of his shield and begins to cry.*

Why?! Why they break Thunk's shield?!

*With a sudden burst of kobold anger, Thunk screams and surges forward to bash the other adventurer across the kneecaps.*

[align=center][glow]ALL HAIL KING TORG, KING OF ALL KOBOLDS!!![/glow][/align]

Cazmonster · Post by **Cazmonster** » Mon Jun 16, 2003 6:10 pm

Slark - you scamper back to the Kobold Warrens and are showered in praise, weak mushroom beer and VICTORY POINTS!. You've gotten 12 more and are far in the lead now. How do you wish to spend them?

((Thunk - which Adventurer are you attacking? The club swinger or the sword swinger?))

Beady · Post by **Beady** » Mon Jun 16, 2003 7:46 pm

((The one who isn't being munched on by the dragon. So the swordie I guess.))

Eliahad · Post by **Eliahad** » Tue Jun 17, 2003 2:57 am

Snotspeare, for lack of anything better to do, hot feets it as far away from the farmer and towards the river, hoping that he can outswim whatever may be chasing him. ((I apologize for the uncreative post Caz, I'm tired, maybe tomorrow))

[KAMB3E] Bumpkinville

[KAMB3E] Bumpkinville

The Coop of DOOM!

RunAwayRunAway!

It's not easy, being fuzzy