So, I think my mom is going to die.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Sat Jun 02, 2012 4:36 pm

My mom has been in and out of intensive care lately. She's back in the hospital, and she looks terrible. Memorial day weekend at a family gathering, she looked like a zombie. And she isn't doing any better. And my boss is being a dick because i took off yesterday to go see her in the hospital.

Not that it did anything... I think she knows she's dying, and she's scared, but neither of us are willing to breach the subject.

I don't know what to fucking do.

UncleJoseph · Post by **UncleJoseph** » Sat Jun 02, 2012 10:06 pm

Sorry dude. If it really is that bad, the best you can do is be there for her as much as you possibly can, and try the best you can to accommodate any of her needs. If you're struggling with the whole "be there for her or be there for work" debate, well, only you can decide what route to take. You gotta take care of yourself too, so don't make any rash decisions about work.

Sucks.

WillyGilligan · Post by **WillyGilligan** » Sun Jun 03, 2012 3:12 am

Uncle J has it right. I'll be thinking of you, man. Stay strong.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Sun Jun 03, 2012 3:42 pm

I don't think anyone needs to be told this but booze is a poor solution to one's ails. I broke up with my girlfriend and broke my phone yesterday, and.. i don't know what else.. Stupid.

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Mon Jun 04, 2012 1:17 am

Sorry to hear of your troubles Bone. I wish I could say shit gets better, and I hope it does for you, but try to hang in there.

sinsual · Post by **sinsual** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 1:35 am

Some advice on the job front.

I believe somewhere I read you have over 1 year at your current employer (not necessarily the same position, but the same employer)

Ask your employer for FMLA paperwork (Family Medical Leave Act). Have the doctor fill it out. Return said filled out paperwork to your employer. Viola, as long as it is related to your mom and her health, your employer can not legally do anything about it.

It is a rolling calender year. So if you started FMLA today, and used 20 hours over the next 2 weeks, and then used 20 hours in 3 months. You would get those first 20 hours back one year from the date they were used.

There is a limit to how many hours you have available, and your employer does have the right to require you to use your sick leave up.

Keep your chin up, loved ones in the hospital for what ever reason is very draining on the emotional and physical parts.

Your right, booze is not the solution, so speaks a confessed alcoholic with 16 months sobriety. Very hard earned.

Raygun · Post by **Raygun** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 1:40 am

Sorry, Bone. That's rough. Don't really know what else to say, man.

3278 · Post by **3278** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 2:49 am

The first thing is to come to terms with it. No matter what, your mom is going to die. Even if by some miracle, she completely recovers, this thing is still going to happen. So it's time you accept that at some point, probably not very far in the future, your mom isn't going to be there anymore, at all, ever. You're not ever going to get a chance to talk to her again, not ever going to get a chance to listen, not going to be able to do anything at all.

So the second thing is, make your peace with her. Whatever you have to say that you haven't said, whatever you want to do that you haven't done, now is the time, and it's the only time you have. There's no time to waste on platitudes and polite silences. Now is the time for open and honest communication.* Don't burden her - this isn't time for confessional - but say the things that need to be said.

Make sure she understands what's happening, and take care of anything she needs: make sure she comes to terms with this, and makes peace with herself. You can't give up your life for what's left of hers, but don't be afraid to invest some time in this. You'll have plenty of time later. If there's stuff she'd like to do, help her out. And make sure she knows that those she leaves behind are going to be okay; those are the concerns that haunt parents' last days.

The bottle has its uses, but it can't solve problems; it can delay needing to deal with them, but the price is that it creates more problems in need of solving. These are the best times to abstain, because otherwise it's too easy to lose control and not be as available and clear-headed as you need to be in this difficult time. And remember this isn't the end of the world: billions of people have survived the death of their mothers. It sucks, it deeply, deeply sucks, but it's an inevitability for nearly all of us here. We have to be strong, so the weaker people in our lives don't have to; that's our responsibility.

Remember we're always here if you need us. We're not helpful, but we're persistent.

*And let me point out that since we never know when death might come, we should always be at peace with each other, and it should always be time for open and honest [if tempered] communication.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 3:35 pm

Thanks guys.

Serious Paul · Post by **Serious Paul** » Tue Jun 05, 2012 6:29 pm

No one ever knows what to do. Some of us are better at pretending like we know. My mother died of cancer when I was 14. I'm sure there are a hundred more qualified people, with more in depth opinions and analysis's but all I really have is nothing ever makes it stop sucking. All that you can do is control how you react to it.

At any rate I don't envy you, and I hope things get a little easier on you.

Tiny Deev · Post by **Tiny Deev** » Wed Jun 06, 2012 7:02 am

My mother died of cancer when I was 17. I'm not going to say I know what you're going through, but I know how it is to hear people say "yeah, I know what you're going through". No one does. I hope you find your way of dealing with it sooner than I did, buddy. Good luck.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Fri Jun 08, 2012 8:29 am

Is it entirely wrong to wish my mother was dead? Like, I see her and she is not the woman I have known all myllife. She is husk. Soi oes this make me the worst person to think tha maybe it woul be better if she died?

UncleJoseph · Post by **UncleJoseph** » Fri Jun 08, 2012 12:15 pm

Bonefish wrote:Is it entirely wrong to wish my mother was dead? Like, I see her and she is not the woman I have known all myllife. She is husk. Soi oes this make me the worst person to think tha maybe it woul be better if she died?

I suspect this feeling is more rooted in not wanting to see her suffer, and realizing she has no quality of life anymore, rather than simply wishing she was dead. This does not make you a bad person, and many people have had similar feelings when a loved one is dying.

My father is crippled, and is on high maintenance doses of narcotic pain killers. His quality of life is terrible due to the deteriorating condition of his spine (he has inoperable herniated disks and degenerative disk disease, with severe spinal arthritis). He sits in his easy chair all day, chain smokes and watches TV, nearly every single day. He is high all the time, and is a true pill addict. He does get out occasionally, but the bad days far outnumber the good days. I know he doesn't have a lot of time left, but he could hang on for several more years. He is very depressed all the time, and he has eluded to some dark thoughts. He suffers from panic attacks and other anxiety problems if he leaves the house. It's only a matter of time before the drugs and/or his spinal condition kill him. Both my sister and I have commented that his quality of life is so bad that he would be better off if he died. It will not be a shocker if he takes his own life, or if his medical issues simply do the job for him. I know he doesn't want to die, but the pain and crippling injuries are hard for him to deal with. The pain is incessant and severe.

So no, you're not a bad person for wanting to see her suffering end. And you're experiencing your own suffering watching her like this. Maybe it's a bit selfish to want it to be over sooner rather than later, but the suffering from both directions shows it's not entirely selfish.

Raygun · Post by **Raygun** » Fri Jun 08, 2012 6:04 pm

What Joe said. I watched my dad die slowly of motor neuron disease (ALS). Many, many days did I wish for his suffering to just end. Thinking that way sucks and it makes you feel horrible, but when you see someone you love suffering like that, you can't help it.

Serious Paul · Post by **Serious Paul** » Fri Jun 08, 2012 8:42 pm

The Psych's at the prison always say thinking about it's normal. Acting on it is where the rubber meets the road on abnormal usually.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Sat Jun 09, 2012 4:46 am

She got out of the hospital a few days ago. Now she's back in, though it's a different hospital(she went to anderson SC to visit her sister).

Nicephorus · Post by **Nicephorus** » Sun Jun 10, 2012 5:12 pm

Ah fuck. I'm really sorry man. You just have take care of her and yourself the best you can. There's rarely any magic that makes the suck go away.

Pdyx · Post by **Pdyx** » Fri Jun 22, 2012 4:38 pm

I'm really sorry to hear this, hope it goes as well as it can. I'll be thinking about you man.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:27 am

Update: She is in a coma, has brain damage, doctor says there's a good chance she may never be any better than she is(unresponsive and unconcious, and seemingly in pain). I'm waiting about a week or so, if the diagnosis doesn't change, I'm going to request that she be taken off any life support and allowed to die.

My Mother and I have discussed this very issue numerous, numerous times, first when her Father died, then during the terry Schiavo case, and again a few years ago. We both agree with the other that if we were in a coma and unresponsive, after 3 days, we'd rather be dead. Our personal belief is that the person who we know and love would no longer be in the shell of the body, and it is more merciful to be allowed to die in dignity, than maintained in some sort of vegative state.

So yeah, Life's kinda rough right now.

Nicephorus · Post by **Nicephorus** » Sun Jul 08, 2012 4:50 pm

You're in our thoughts man and here if you need us.

3278 · Post by **3278** » Mon Jul 09, 2012 11:08 pm

It's good that you and your mom have discussed this before, so you can make the decisions you need to make without uncertainty. If you need anything at all, you just let me know.

Crazy Elf · Post by **Crazy Elf** » Sun Jul 29, 2012 2:52 pm

I'm late on this because I'm a terrible community member.

Bonefish wrote:Is it entirely wrong to wish my mother was dead?

No.

When my father was dying I had an exceptionally strong urge to kill him. There was something so pathetic in the way that he was going out that I felt it would be better just to end it quickly. Or that's part of it, at least. I think there was also a desire to take his life away out of anger at the fact that I didn't have any control over the situation. There was no way he was going to live, which was obvious. Killing him would have meant that I set the terms. That would have felt better, in a way.

So no, it's not entirely wrong.

Hope you're doing okay.

SumDumQuim · Post by **SumDumQuim** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 1:21 pm

Yes, how about an update on this. Haven't seen anything on Facebook so I assume she is still alive. How rude of you to keep us out of the loop, Pip!

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 6:46 pm

I don't really wanna say much about it right now. Things have taken a turn for the better, I hope they stay that way.

SumDumQuim · Post by **SumDumQuim** » Thu Aug 02, 2012 4:39 am

Oh I see, when it's bad you have diarrhea of the fingers, when it's good you don't want to jinks it. Don't look now, but your cousin fucker is showing!!

DV8 · Post by **DV8** » Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:17 am

Sterkte, Bone.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Sun Sep 30, 2012 4:55 pm

She's doing ok. The Docs at Carolina Medical Center managed to get the MRSA out ofher blood and get her alive and well. She does have chrones, so that sucks, but My momma is gonna live, for a while

Bishop · Post by **Bishop** » Sun Sep 30, 2012 6:53 pm

Good to hear, Bone. Good to hear.

3278 · Post by **3278** » Mon Oct 01, 2012 1:27 pm

Superb!

Salvation122 · Post by **Salvation122** » Mon Oct 01, 2012 7:25 pm

That's absolutely amazing, man. So glad for you.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Fri Oct 05, 2012 4:53 am

Drove her and my Granny around for like 6 hours. Along with two dogs and a cute kitty(Maggie turns out to be a Max...). Oh, and my personal colony of flu spores. I think I'm really close to being able to behave like a defiler. Yummy, consumption.