So...

[FlameBlade]

As you probably heard.

Yes, it's true.

My wife is a lesbian.

Backstory time.

We got married June 18, 2005.

The marriage was great. Sure, there are a little difficulties here and there, but that's normal for all marriages, right?

Ok, last Fall, we got separated, because I moved to Maryland, and wife went to college to finish one more year. No problem. I'm ok with that, she's not exactly ok with that, but I think she understands that I gotta work, and she gotta finish her degree. That time was pain, but I visited her or she visit me whenever we could. Plane tickets are cheap, thankfully. Baltimore to Rochester, usually 40 bucks a flight. Very cheap. Not a problem.

So I visited her, she visited me. I have no clue what is going on, but around October, things started to get off, but I chalked that to long distance.

Well...I found out around thanksgiving. In Michigan. At her parents' house. It made for one fucking awkward Thanksgiving. She came out of closet to me because I was wondering what is going on because way she acted wasn't the same. Then she came out of closet to her parents because her mom is amazingly perceptive about her actions.

Ok. That made for a fucking awkward Thanksgiving.

Doesn't help that Christmas is fucking awkward. Worst two months ever for me.

Anyway, wife works as internship at a school in DC. So she lives with me, takes commuter train, but...damn, it was not easy two months. The relationship is just not there.

There are many things that did not make sense for me.

1. How hell this happened in such a short time. I never really knew. It took October to November to change completely.

2. She told me that she thought about marriage, and she tried to make it work. However, that is, if she tried, I would have known, and god knows that I tried hard to save the marriage or at least salvage it.

3. I have been working since August...for what? I thought I was working for our future, but it's really awkward for me to figure out how to work for myself, not her. My motivation has taken a huge hit. It had made my work difficult for two months, had to take few days off because I had no guts to even go to work.

4. She dated me for what, four years before getting married, then we're married for 1 and half years before this? Why did she not tell me anything? Why did she feel like she did not trust me enough? That one part that really hurt me the most. I mean, I made the vows. She made the vows as well. I'm not kind of person who back out of anything. And also, if she suspected that she could be lesbian, why not did she tell me, or at least tried to figure out something?

God, it just bothers me. By the way, guys, I know what you're thinking, oh yeah, two women and a guy, what a lucky guy. Nope, not the case. She prefers monogamy. I suggested open relationship, as a way to keep some kind of relationship, communication
open, but she declined. So much for marriage, I guess.

Just that there are so much baggage on me, and I'm only starting to come out of the hellhole of my life.

[MissTeja]

You're going to be a stronger man for it.

Wow, Flame. Thank you for sharing the information to allow us all to empathize for you. I really did not expect you to share the story as its none of our goddamned business, but do know that we all care a good deal about your well being. I, for one, wish your heart a speedy recovery and hope you'll have someone to spend the rest of your days with under better circumstance.

*hugs*

[Bull]

*hugs and wuffles*

[Crazy Elf]

Although it may not seem like much of a bonus at the moment, you now have one hell of a story to tell. This is the sort of thing that you can tell to people down the track and they'll all say, "Woah!" rather than having crap stories to tell people:

"This one day, I won fairy floss. No really!"

Real strength isn't in how much damage you can dish out, but how many hits you can take.

[Adam]

Shit Flame, it doesn't matter that she's a lesbian -- it matters that she wasn't 100% truthful to you for the years you were together about a major relationshipo issue, regardless of what issue was. You deserve better.

[Ampere]

Wow...dude. Fuck.
My ex-wife cheated on me, so I sort of know what that is like, but the other...man...that sucks. Sucks doesn't even scratch the surface. That's a great big bucket of buttholes.
I'm sorry man.
Seriously.
*hugs*

[Jestyr]

Been trying to think of what to say, and there really isn't anything other than: Wow, dude, that sucks - and like Adam says, you deserve better. *hugs*

If there's anything we can do...

[Jeff Hauze]

I know a guy, who knows a guy.

[DV8]

Shit Flame, it doesn't matter that she's a lesbian -- it matters that she wasn't 100% truthful to you for the years you were together about a major relationshipo issue, regardless of what issue was. You deserve better.

Well said. The fact that she was a homosexual is probably quite a dent in the ego, and an extra shock, but that shit'll fade. What's going to be far more lasting, I think, is the fact that you tried so hard, hoped for so much, and it didn't work out in the end. I think you carried yourself well, and showed more than just due dilligence. There's only so much you can do, and so much you can offer, and I don't think I would've been half the man you were in that situation.

Good luck with it all. I'm sure you'll find a way to make this your own, and like Tease said, be a better man because of it.

[Eliahad]

We already know he's the better man.

[Crazy Elf]

Well said. The fact that she was a homosexual is probably quite a dent in the ego...

Um, how? I mean, if she's a lesbian, and yet she stuck around with Flame for 5 years, that means that Flame is so awesome that he can have someone turn against their sexual preference. How is that a dent to the ego?

[DV8]

Well said. The fact that she was a homosexual is probably quite a dent in the ego...

Um, how? I mean, if she's a lesbian, and yet she stuck around with Flame for 5 years, that means that Flame is so awesome that he can have someone turn against their sexual preference. How is that a dent to the ego?

That's also a good, positive spin you can give to it. Though I don't think that it would be the way I'd look at it if I was in his position.

[Liniah]

Flame, that's teh suq, but you'll come out ok. We're all here for you. *hugs*

[Ancient History]

Sorry to hear about your troubles, Flame.

[Angel]

Shit Flame, it doesn't matter that she's a lesbian -- it matters that she wasn't 100% truthful to you for the years you were together about a major relationshipo issue, regardless of what issue was. You deserve better.

Well said. The fact that she was a homosexual is probably quite a dent in the ego, and an extra shock, but that shit'll fade. What's going to be far more lasting, I think, is the fact that you tried so hard, hoped for so much, and it didn't work out in the end. I think you carried yourself well, and showed more than just due dilligence. There's only so much you can do, and so much you can offer, and I don't think I would've been half the man you were in that situation.

Good luck with it all. I'm sure you'll find a way to make this your own, and like Tease said, be a better man because of it.

First off, Flame, again, you've got all of my sympathy.

About the lesbian thing, I tried to imagine how it would feel if my girlfriend toldm e it was over and that she had been seeing a guy, and just thinking about it upsetted me, more than a little bit. You're in a relationship, for years and years and hopefully in this time you get to know everything about the person you share your life with, you think you know the person, hell maybe you even know them better than they know themselves. Now all of a sudden....BAM, "I'm seeing someone the opposite sex as you." That's big, definitely not the biggest thing about the break-up, of course, but nothing to ignore.

I still think the best way you (Flame) can handle the situation here is to go hook-up with every single female friend she has, fuck'em all silly, and get your ex seriously pissed at you. If she has a sister you should start with her.


*note: I did not say he should mistreat any of these women, just hook-up, I'm sure that would seriously piss off his ex when she sees him having fun and sex with everyone she knows.

[TLM]

They say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but... damn, man. Definitely hard to see in this kind of situation. Though when all's said and done, the most important thing's already been said; This wasn't due to you, but due to her. You even suggested an open relationship, and she wasn't interested. I can scarcely imagine how much balls, care, and willingness to accept her that must've taken.

I'll echo Deev and wish you good luck, as well as that I'm confident you'll find a way out of the dumps.

[DV8]

I still think the best way you (Flame) can handle the situation here is to go hook-up with every single female friend she has, fuck'em all silly, and get your ex seriously pissed at you. If she has a sister you should start with her.

Sadness is a difficult emotion to deal with, and most people are tempted to trade it in for the much visceral emotion of anger, but anger and revenge really aren't going to make you feel any better about the situation. And I don't think it's very becoming of a man (or woman) of Flame's integrity.

[3278]

1. How hell this happened in such a short time. I never really knew. It took October to November to change completely.

It doesn't take long, particularly if there's another woman, but it's worth noting that things could have been developing before October, and you just didn't know. Someone can maintain a relationship as normal for a long while, even when it's failing from their end, without the other person realizing it. In a way, being emotionally close to someone makes it paradoxically easier for them to hide things from you, particularly if you're geographically separated, even if you see each other fairly often: you don't know what she was doing during the week, during the times you weren't around.

Still, it's entirely possible that it only took a month or two. Sometimes, it happens overnight, again particularly if she met someone.

3. I have been working since August...for what? I thought I was working for our future, but it's really awkward for me to figure out how to work for myself, not her. My motivation has taken a huge hit.

Momentum. Don't let yourself start to slide, or more accurately, don't let yourself slide any further. This situation has ruined, what, six months of your life already? Don't let it ruin more. Stem the tide.

You work for yourself, now. It's good to remind yourself of that fact. Buy something, for you. Don't be reasonable about it. Buy something you really, really want, and then enjoy the shit out of it.

Also, get drunk and have sex with girls you barely know. Just my advice, but I've got more experience in this than you do, and I say get drunk and have sex with girls you barely know. This will not be over until you move on. Your life will continue to be unpleasant, to a greater or lesser degree, so long as you remain connected to her, so long as she was the last woman you made love to. You don't need to dishonor her memory - you love her, and you had good times with her - but it is over now. You must move on, or the world will move on without you.

4. She dated me for what, four years before getting married, then we're married for 1 and half years before this? Why did she not tell me anything? Why did she feel like she did not trust me enough? That one part that really hurt me the most. I mean, I made the vows. She made the vows as well. I'm not kind of person who back out of anything. And also, if she suspected that she could be lesbian, why not did she tell me, or at least tried to figure out something?

There's something I've got to clear up here: how long has she known she was a lesbian? It's one thing if she just figured it out in October, but if she's known for years...yeah, why did she marry you? Be your very close friend, yes, be romantically involved, yes, but marriage? When you know you're always going to want sex from someone else? That seems foolish on her part. Still, love is unreasonable, and presumably she loved you very very much.

God, it just bothers me. By the way, guys, I know what you're thinking, oh yeah, two women and a guy, what a lucky guy.

For the record, no one was thinking, "Gee, Flame's wife is a lesbian. I bet he'll get to have sex with two women! What a lucky guy."

Just that there are so much baggage on me, and I'm only starting to come out of the hellhole of my life.

Well, don't stop coming out of it. Momentum. You are in a decaying orbit, and unless you maintain and increase your velocity, gravity will pull you down the well and burn you up in atmosphere before smashing you unceremoniously into the ground. If you want to reach escape velocity, you need delta-V away from the planet.

[3278]

Sadness is a difficult emotion to deal with, and most people are tempted to trade it in for the much visceral emotion of anger, but anger and revenge really aren't going to make you feel any better about the situation.

That strongly depends on the person - I know many people who have found anger to be a fine replacement for sadness in these situations - but I certainly agree it's not likely to be a satisfying choice for Flame. But many girls just love it.

[Daki]

Good advice already given so I just want to say that I'm very sorry Flame. I'm hoping you get a big dose of good karma to balance this all out.

[FlameBlade]

Well said. The fact that she was a homosexual is probably quite a dent in the ego...

Um, how? I mean, if she's a lesbian, and yet she stuck around with Flame for 5 years, that means that Flame is so awesome that he can have someone turn against their sexual preference. How is that a dent to the ego?

Yep. I must be so awesome if that's actually second time I did that...not exactly did, but second time that I had it happen to me. I dated a girl in high school, and she turned lesbian as well.

[Iantha]

Well said. The fact that she was a homosexual is probably quite a dent in the ego...

Um, how? I mean, if she's a lesbian, and yet she stuck around with Flame for 5 years, that means that Flame is so awesome that he can have someone turn against their sexual preference. How is that a dent to the ego?

Yep. I must be so awesome if that's actually second time I did that...not exactly did, but second time that I had it happen to me. I dated a girl in high school, and she turned lesbian as well.

I dated a boy in high school who, after french kissing me for the first time, decided he was gay. On.The.Spot.

[Crazy Elf]

That's awesome!

[Iantha]

Yeah, not so much.

[Crazy Elf]

My reply was more in regards to Flame, but you got in before me. Yours is not so much awesome, agreed. You kissed a Ross. Ewww.

[Moto42]

How rude do you have to be...

"Kiss me you beutifull woman!"
*a few seconds later*
"Well, I think I'll go hop on the man-train now. Mind if I borrow your chemistry notes?"

Flame, that truely and dearly sucks ass. Same thing happened to another friend of mine last year. I know you'll pull through it.
I too must ask, though, how long did she know?

In the end I have to agree with 32, put it in your past, get out their and live.

[lordhellion]

Flame,you know you have my sympathies. The best revenge is good living.

[TLM]

The best revenge is good living.

Quoted for fucking truth!

[Serious Paul]

Wow, I agree with Hellion?

Am I wearing any black? Am I pretending that sumo's are skinny? Crap, I've got Hellion on me!

[Anguirel]

I dated a boy in high school who, after french kissing me for the first time, decided he was gay. On.The.Spot.

On the flip side, given my tendancies into areas generally considered "Gay" (one of my ex-girlfriends has described me as being gay in every way except the one that actually counts) I was open to the idea I might be bi or gay until I kissed a guy who was and who probably was hoping I was. Yeah, on the spot, not gay. So I can definitely see it, and while it may have hurt, you should know it wasn't you specifically.

Same might (or might not) apply to Flame's situation, I suppose (he didn't say either way as to how long she's known about this). It's entirely possible it was sudden - she wanted to be "normal" (replace with hetero if desired) so acted as if she were normal, thought she was normal, until some single act blind-sided her. And then lots of stuff that happened earlier clicks into place and the world view changes and it really can't go back to how it was before.

[Iantha]

I dated a boy in high school who, after french kissing me for the first time, decided he was gay. On.The.Spot.

On the flip side, given my tendancies into areas generally considered "Gay" (one of my ex-girlfriends has described me as being gay in every way except the one that actually counts) I was open to the idea I might be bi or gay until I kissed a guy who was and who probably was hoping I was. Yeah, on the spot, not gay. So I can definitely see it, and while it may have hurt, you should know it wasn't you specifically.

Heh, I guess you'd have to know me and how many gay friends I have to know how the above statement made me laugh.

Yeah, I'm fully aware of it not being me. It was just a bit awkward and all, and it was high school... So everyone else was more preoccupied by it than I was. That was the part that really sucked. Everyone found out he kissed me, assumed I was just a really horrible kisser, and that put an end to my dating adventures in high school.

It was high school and it was ass in a hat anyway so I'm really not worried about it and I stopped comparing my whole life to my high school experience Years ago.

[lordhellion]

Wow, I agree with Hellion?

Am I wearing any black? Am I pretending that sumo's are skinny? Crap, I've got Hellion on me!

It's chaos theory--shit's bound to line up sooner or later.

[Kitt]

That pretty much blows, basically. I hope you all the best of luck in future endeavours, and I certainly hope things get better with your current situation.
I, too, have had the relationship where suddenly, things got weird, and he promptly turned around and said, "Oh, hey, I like men, so you know." Granted, it was high school, and it was a few weeks of dating, but I suppose in that sense, I have at least a taste of knowing how you feel. Just hang in there. Something good is bound to happen.

[Cash]

Flame: Ouch. Anything I say now will pretty much be an echo (and dilution) of some already excellent posts, but we're pulling for you.

God, it just bothers me. By the way, guys, I know what you're thinking, oh yeah, two women and a guy, what a lucky guy.

For the record, no one was thinking, "Gee, Flame's wife is a lesbian. I bet he'll get to have sex with two women! What a lucky guy."

Indeed, no one was thinking that. Besides, who wants to hear, "That's it?" in stereo? Not me.

[Crazy Elf]

For the record, no one was thinking, "Gee, Flame's wife is a lesbian. I bet he'll get to have sex with two women! What a lucky guy."

Are you calling me a "no one"? I won't stand for that sort of classification, so it's a good thing I'm lying down!

[Johnny the Bull]

Dude, I have nothing much to add to what others have said other than its a suckful turn of events but that you'll get through it.