New dating prospect...

[UncleJoseph]

Most of us that were born in the early 70's have baby boomer parents, many of whom served in the Vietnam conflict. I recently met a woman from Vietnam, who is my age, and is a student in my area. I have a strong connection to and I am very familiar with the east asian cultures, especially because of my martial arts background.

One of my concerns, however silly this may sound, is that she is from Communist Vietnam, and I am from capitalist United States...two countries that were at war with each other for a very long time. A lot of anger, hatred and resentment is still felt by our parents' generation. I personally don't hold any hatred for Vietnam, and I don't want this to turn into a debate about the pros and cons of the Vietnam Conflict.

Anyway, back on track. We are religiously compatible. She is spiritual, in the Buddhist sense, and I am an atheist, with strong Buddhist influences. In many ways that matter, we are compatible.

I am curious if any Bulldrekkers have any experience with multi-cultural relationships, and how they have solved any issues or problems that may have come up. Especially issues dealing with prejudice, racism or ignorance.

Thanks

[sinsual]

You just deal with it as best you can as it comes up. The best thing to do is keep an open mind about the others point of view. I have been on the receiving end of cultural prejudism from an older generation against me and in many ways I put the cultural differences aside when I should have paid more attention to them. I might have averted the disaster that came from the differences. In my case it was old world island culture meets my generation. Where family is what you make, not what you are simply born into. That made a difference and ended up being the major reason our relationship was destroyed. It came down to her dependancy to her birth family and not strength in the family she was making. Even 12 years later she is still right where she was when we seperated and her family still makes the rules for her. Had I understood and accepted that aspect more back then its quite possible that we would still be together now. We both know that if it weren't for them we could very easily pick up right where we left off.

[Crazy Elf]

Just be yourself. Don't compromise yourself to try and fit in with any values that the family would want to see in you. That doesn't mean don't show respect, it just means that you have to hold your ground on some things. If they don't like everything about you, so fucking what? Everyone has shit about them that others don't like, and they're going to have to deal with that.

The main point is the girl. If she likes you, then that's all that should matter. The rest is just a minor speed hump.

[mrmooky]

UncleJoseph: The only advice I can give is not to make yourself anxious about nebulous political matters, like the fallout from past wars, unless it actually becomes a problem for you and the girl. You can cross those bridges if and when you come to them.

[Angel]

UncleJoseph, what matters first is the relationship between you and your girlfriend, the world around you is just that, "around you", you'll have to deal with it if it interfers with how you two are doing, but until then enjoy and explore the girl that's interested in you.

Many people in my family were killed during WWII, in fact the part of my family that originated in Poland was all but wiped out by the Nazis, as a result I was taught to hate Germans and German speaking people, even though part of my family came from Austria as well (amongst other places). I'm living in Austria now, in a relationship with an Austrian, and I'm learning German.

My girlfriend was raised in a city that denies their involvement in WWII, so when we were young both of us had misconceptions of our respective histories/heritage (whatever you can call it).

Communication.

In every relationship there are going to be moments where silence is deadly, and the only way to help each other understand is through communicating what you think, feel, worry about, wonder, like, and dislike.

I doubt that two people coming from such opposite cultures are going to mesh perfectly without a bit of help, at the very least they're oging to have to deal with other people whom are close to them, such as family. Family can at times overwhelm a person, and so it might take a bit of determination to overcome those people who think they have "your best interests" in mind.

When I first started going out with my girlfriend her family wasn't exactly happy at the though, not only because of my being a non-Austrian (native), but they were forced to seriously recognize that fact that their family included someone who wasn't heterosexual, a cultural difference??

Just don't be put off by other people's intolerances or comments, what is important is that you two enjoy each other, make time to see each other, communicate, and most importantly listen to each other's concerns.

Good luck.

[3278]

I am curious if any Bulldrekkers have any experience with multi-cultural relationships, and how they have solved any issues or problems that may have come up.

Communication. This is A-number-1 when it comes to relationships entirely, as it allows for the voicing of differences, and thus it is nowhere more essential than in a relationship with the extra complexity of cultural differences. I think I would be concerned less with the obvious cultural differences caused by war in your case than with the essential cultural differences between east and west. I've been in a few cross-cultural relationships, and the things that trip you up aren't ever the ones you were expecting, but rather the ones you take for granted.

For instance, if you'd grown up in Soviet Russia, being taught as the culture did [for a while] that your nation is the first priority in your life, and she'd grown up in Canada where the culture tells you your children are the most important factor, strong conflicts can erupt over just the smallest issues relating to this, because each of you have always believed as you have, and never had reason to question it.

Ultimately, you have to question everything - which you'll like doing, anyway - and you have to be able to reach some comprimise along those lines. When it all comes down, you'll realize that, since there is no "right" and no "wrong," only preference [which we are usually taught is "right"], you can easily alter your position and find another which you can prefer just as much. You can learn to give your loyalty first to the state, and find as much joy in that life as you could have in your [hypothetical] drive to have children.

So, communication and comprimise, then, just like any other relationship. One other suggestion I'd give is not to give in to the tendency to make too much out of your differences. Deal with them as they come up, and discuss them as your curiousity uncovers them [and your curiousity will be immense, I suspect, dealing with someone from the East, which is, at its core, quite different from upbringing in the midwest here]. One thing you probably don't want to do is make your relationship all about the cultural differences, and spend a whole bunch of time thinking and talking about them. Too little time, and your differences will eat you. Too much, and they will become the focus of your relationship, with too little time tying you to the similarities that form couples in the first place.

My only other suggestion is: enjoy it. Man, it's really nice dating a girl whose culture is completely different from yours, be it European, Mexican, Turkish, or "Eastern.*" It adds a wrinkle to the process that is dating, which by our age, has gotten to be a little bit more-of-the-same. It's a tremendous way to learn about the world at large, and another nation/culture in specific. There are an awful lot of things about the world I'd never have known without a horizontal tutor, as it were.

*Let me equivocate by saying it can be pretty messed-up, too. There's something to be said for dating someone whose elementary values are in accord with yours, and not in accord with, say, crazy Turkish people who want to chop you up.

[MissTeja]

The thing about it that strikes me, Joesph, is that there will most likely always be some form of conflict when you date someone new. I think it's all in the approach that will determine just how big the barriers are going to be for you. If you're flexible and open to new ideas and experiences, dating someone of a culture different than your own could not only be non-problematic, but could be one of the biggest growing experiences you can have as a person. That's not to say you won't be met with times of difficulty, but you really experience that in any type of relationship.

If you meet someone who's "like you," verses the girl you just met, it's not automatic that she will necessarily be more compatible. Maybe she won't want children at all and you will. Maybe she will want to be the primary breadwinner in the family, but you think that should be your duty. Maybe she doesn't like going out too much, but you like going out to party. Maybe she wants to go to medical or law school, but the thought of a such a bill you'd end up contributing to makes you gulp for breath. But each of these things could potentially be a good thing if you just look at them differently.

Maybe it's my endless sense of hope for the good things in life, but I think if you take it slow, be respectful of one another, communicate any concerns early on, and be open to new ideas and experiences, forming a relationship with this woman could be a beneficial life-experience for the both of you - even if you don't end up together in the long run. Take a shot, man. What do you have to lose?

[Angel]

Also, the difference you and your new friend have from one another can spark conversations that will help you understand each other more. Sometimes being different can help two people become attracted/attractive to each other.

[Game Master]

So how does she handle you being a cop? I know how you handle it, to a point. Can she deal with that lifestyle?

(Yeah i know I need to log out and log back into my Paul account but I'm lazy and this stripped style rocks.)