Unfortune Cookies

Raygun · Post by **Raygun** » Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:54 pm

Started by Nicephorus over on Animalball. I can't think of any good ones right now, but you should get the idea from the title.

Grifter · Post by **Grifter** » Tue Mar 22, 2011 11:43 pm

That wasn't tapioca.

Smile and the world smiles with you. Fuck, man! Visit a dentist sometimes!

Lesbian, sorry. But you can still be friends.

Raygun · Post by **Raygun** » Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:32 pm

You'll shoot your eye out.

You can't tell what it is, but something's wrong.

No, you can't even be friends.

It's too late.

There is a God and Al Sharpton is his prophet.

The feeling that you're about to vomit may never pass.

This is going to hurt.

SumDumQuim · Post by **SumDumQuim** » Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:42 pm

You will always have toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

The hem of your dress is tucked into your panties.

You will marry poorly. She will cheat with a black man and they will giggle about the size of your penis. A lot.

I giggle about the size of your penis. A lot.

Seriously, inky binkie dinkie.

Bishop · Post by **Bishop** » Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:41 am

She was faking.

Teenagers will begin using your first name as slang for "gross."

Give up.

That replacement for your car that just broke will cost you $1200.

Heavy_D · Post by **Heavy_D** » Fri Mar 25, 2011 11:31 am

Life will get tougher.

You will never win the lottery.

You will find out today you have been wrong about most things in your life.

Something will be stolen from you.

It's all in vain. (ok ok stolen from Baldur's Gate...I just had to)

SumDumQuim · Post by **SumDumQuim** » Fri Mar 25, 2011 1:16 pm

You will get married this weekend.

Nicephorus · Post by **Nicephorus** » Fri Mar 25, 2011 4:58 pm

Just when you think it can't get any worse, it will.

It does make your butt look big.

For some drugs, it takes years for all of the side effects to appear.

SumDumQuim · Post by **SumDumQuim** » Fri Mar 25, 2011 5:45 pm

Eyebrows imply plural.

Raygun · Post by **Raygun** » Sat Mar 26, 2011 7:58 am

The seafood was a bad idea.

How many shits can a human body take in one day? You're about to find out the hard way.

You're going to miss that thumb.

What happened in Vegas definitely came home with your wife and she inadvertently gave it to you last night.

You will be robbed at gunpoint. Remember: You're an action hero. It'll be awesome!

You thought you were a good ninja. But you just lost to a pirate. How the fuck did that happen? Yes, he was drunk! Yes he was! A drunken, irate pirate with a stupid cutlass just took you right the fuck out, Ninja. After all that training, careful planning and making all those awesome knives and swords by yourself the old-fashioned way, an ugly, drunken, thieving rapist with scurvy straight-up owned you and now probably also your mother in a very disrespectful fashion. How did he know your weakness was fortune cookies? Shame. Dishonor. At this point I would normally demand that you take your own life for your failure, but that pirate seems to have saved you the trouble.

It's just primary amoebic meningoencephalitis. It'll be over in no time.

FlameBlade · Post by **FlameBlade** » Sat Mar 26, 2011 8:18 pm

Turn this fortune over to read your fortune.

-- on the flip side --
Turn this fortune over to read your fortune.

Tiny Deev · Post by **Tiny Deev** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:25 am

You can buy fake tits, but you can't fix stupid.

You will die alone.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:12 pm

You are the cause of cancer.

Raygun · Post by **Raygun** » Thu Mar 31, 2011 9:09 pm

Trust is for suckers.

When she's gone, you'll never get used to the loneliness.

It's nothing massive amounts of alcohol can't make you stop thinking about.

You might as well have been born on a different planet from everyone else.

Happiness will remain elusive.

You should try skydiving.

It's only Botfly Larvae.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Thu Mar 31, 2011 9:27 pm

Your daughter is fucking a mandingo.

Raygun · Post by **Raygun** » Wed Apr 13, 2011 12:00 am

But wait, there's more!

Cockpunch to your tonsils!

You're not paralyzed yet.

An unexpected expense will test the limits of your finances.

Pa'rriba, pa'abajo, pal centro y pa'dentro.

It's an extremely virulent strain.

Thou shalt be punished with NASCAR.

Bonefish · Post by **Bonefish** » Mon Apr 18, 2011 5:29 pm

You're on the terror watch list.
Donald Trump has better hair than you

Ancient History · Post by **Ancient History** » Tue Apr 19, 2011 1:19 pm

Nicephorus · Post by **Nicephorus** » Tue May 17, 2011 5:03 pm

You should have kissed her that night. Now, it's too late.

The fire of passion burns quickly. Awkwardness can last forever.

Don't worry. It will all be over soon.

Raygun · Post by **Raygun** » Wed May 18, 2011 7:55 am

An alien race will exterminate humanity soon. (Party now.)

Oktoberfest has been cancelled.

Hitler's got the sawzall dildo again. Look busy.

There is no solution.

There is a solution, but no one wants to hear it.

Is that a meteor?

It's only uncontrollable bloody diarrhea at work. It's not that bad.